Random Joke Thread

[Seegtease]

You need to edit it so that " the " is edited, not "the", or things like "other" will be changed.

It was a riot though.

[Gerrymander]

Wow. Now I really can't wait to write papers for my music history class

[deathofcheese]

I think my favorite is the "...the nobility distanced themselves from serfs..." -> "...the fucking nobility distanced the fuckingmselves from serfs..." transformation. THEM-FUCKING-SELVES!!!

More jokes!

Here's one: Fox News. LORF.

[Bloodcinder]

Originally Posted by Seegtease

You need to edit it so that " the " is edited, not "the", or things like "other" will be changed.

It was a riot though.

It's called "match whole word only," and it's been around since approximately 1870.

[deathofcheese]

IT'S FUNNIER THIS WAY, DAMNIT.

JOKES NAO.

[Seegtease]

Originally Posted by Bloodcinder

It's called "match whole word only," and it's been around since approximately 1870.

no ron they didnt have computers then

[Gerrymander]

They had abacuses.

Which are kind of like computers. In that they computed. And had word-replacement macros.

[deathofcheese]

What's the best way to indoctrinate your children?
A. Repetition
B. Barack Obama is a socialist
C. Barack Obama is a socialist
D. Barack Obama is a socialist

[chefTENGU]

The once was a man who brought home a pet cat for his daughter. Everything was fine for a few days, but the cat would never stop mewling and it began to seriously get to the man's nerves.

He decided that he needed to get rid of the cat. One day he took it, put it in a sack, drove across town and left it in a dumpster. He drove home, glad to be rid of the animal. As soon as he opened the door to his house, though, he was greeted with a familiar "Meow. Meow."

Astounded, he took the cat again, put it in another sack, fastened it, and this time drove out to the suburbs, to abandon it farther from home. Convinced he had succeeded, he drove back to his house, but as soon as he opened the door, there it was again. "Meow. Meow."

Not quite knowing what to think, he took the cat again, put it in two sacks (fastening both for good measure), and drove all the way out into the country, far, far from his house. He left the sack and began his drive home.

Being in such an unfamiliar place, though, he eventually became lost. Not knowing what else to do, he called home. His wife answered:

"Hello?"
"Hi, honey. Is the cat there?"
"Yes it is. Why do you ask?"
"Could you put him on the phone? I need to ask for directions."

[reginacroft]

A man and a boy are going out for a little walk in the woods when an owl started to screech. The boy grabbed the mans hand and said with a whisper, "I'm scared." The man chuckled and said, "You're scared? I have to walk home alone."

[deathofcheese]

My mom sent me an email about "7 degrees of blondeness":

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

The blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy. It's 'W'."


FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?'


SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'


SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

[deathofcheese]

Kinda dumb, but I just saw this on a high school friend's Facebook:

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

[deathofcheese]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

I'm pretty sure I covered at least six of these today.

[Seegtease]

Ah, reading these when drunk was a good choice, lmao.

[chefTENGU]

#22 has been true for me since I was too little to really carry groceries. My mom would try to instill the habit of "making two trips," but every time she'd say that, I'd think "the hell I am."

And I've seen #12 before, except it as complaining that we should all just ignore Blu-Ray because we don't want to have to re-buy our entire DVD collection.

[deathofcheese]

What do you call a joke that just kinda trails off? I dunno....